Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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