This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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