two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
