I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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