I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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