Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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