You're completely useless in the revolution.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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