I wannas sexs uuuuu
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
