That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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