I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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