1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
