the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
