do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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