woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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