you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
