i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
