Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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