Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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