it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
