grandma shit on top of the toilet
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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