talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
