They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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