Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I need to sanitize my soul.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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