guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
