i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
