i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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