Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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