She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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