do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
