she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
