I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
