After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
