I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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