If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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