The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
