drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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