Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
