can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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