I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
