you have to choose: penises or morals?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
