I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
