so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
