in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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