I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
