Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
