the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
