He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
