eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
