I will die if light touches me.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Pooping to opera.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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