Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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